I was having a difficult time at one point with the question: “what is my purpose in life," and so began my quest. I’ve been ill, unable to serve anyone or do much at all for quite some time. I’m so accustomed to using my vocations God has given me throughout life that when I was down and unable to do anything, I felt out of sorts. Really out of sorts and started becoming depressed.
Someone sent a text to me asking how I was doing for the day. I responded that I don’t feel worth much lately because I can’t do anything for anyone. That I don’t feel worth much anymore and struggling. The friend responded with something which shocked me: “You aren’t defined by what you can do.” It struck my heart to read those words. I know this to be truth in my head and my heart, but I have had feelings of being upset, even angry that I can’t use my vocations in life like I want to do so. Like a swirling carnival ride, my mind went round and round with stories of people recorded in the Bible who also struggled in life and with those who, in times past, have been sick and unable to do much like they had. David Brainerd came to mind. How he wanted to serve, yet became so ill, he had to be served. He couldn’t go out to give the Gospel to the lost. How did he become okay with God’s allowance for him to be in bed, awaiting people to bring stale bread to him? How does one submit to that kind of will from God? How hard this is! It’s not at all that I think God is not pleased. It’s that I was not pleased. I am a workaholic. If I had my way, I’d wake early, work all day, and go to sleep late. It’s how I’m wired. And yet, it’s sin. Why? Because God doesn’t want us to worship our vocations. He wants us to worship Him and to rest, too. We’re to use our vocations, but not to the point of neglecting other things in life. The Bible says God gives His beloved sleep, the Psalmist wrote: “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.” I pray Martin Luther’s Evening Prayer in the Small Catechism each night: In the evening when you go to bed, make the sign of the holy cross and say: In the name of the Father and of the + Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Then kneeling or standing, repeat the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer. If you choose, you may also say this little prayer: I thank You, my heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ, Your dear Son, that You have graciously kept me this day; and I pray that You would forgive me all my sins where I have done wrong, and graciously keep me this night. For into Your hands I commend myself, my body and soul, and all things. Let Your holy angel be with me, that the evil foe may have no power over me. Amen. Then go to sleep at once and in good cheer. This came to mind, also: Why do I pray this every night, knowing the instruction is to go to sleep in good cheer, yet I’m unhappy that I couldn’t do what I wanted that day to “serve God and man?” The striking thing was this: I have an idol. Many idols, in fact. I love something over loving God – work. I do not think it’s work that is pleasing to God. I do not believe for one second that work and serving gets me closer to God nor Heaven. It’s that my heart desires it so much, it comes before other things that are also godly. And this is where the story of Mary and Martha comes in, as recorded in Luke 10.38-42: I am a Martha. I am the epitome of Martha. She dared be too busy for the God of the universe: “But Martha was distracted with much serving.” Jesus was gentle with her, though, saying, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” How that must have grabbed Martha’s heart. Martha, David Brainerd, and I are not defined by what we do. And as they learned how to submit to God’s will, so must I. I’m told by a friend often, “be compassionate with yourself.” I’m still learning to walk this journey in this fallen world in a failing body. I will never finish learning to submit to His ways as I fight the sin in me with the Spirit of God. Kyrie Eleison! So, on that day, I repented of my “doingness” and called out to God, “I want to repent. Help me repent and believe every day that this is Your perfect will for my life. Teach me how to worship You again.” Forgiven much, Tamara Jack Check out my 90 lb. Weight Loss Journey with Weight Watchers HERE! To contact me, email: [email protected] (You can contact me for prayer, too.) Where to find me: Facebook: AssisiRosaries Page HERE YouTube: AssisiRosaries Channel HERE YouTube: Tamara Wigs Out Channel HERE Instagram: AssisiRosaries HERE Instagram: TamaraWigsOut HERE
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